Random thought, Random feelings.

I remember the day we went to plan the funeral, I remember how strong I was, thinking I had to be, Mommy had to be strong. Why didn't I just let my feelings out? Why didn't I just cry?
I was still in so much shock.
I felt I went through labor for nothing. I had torn in a way that the drs were amazed, and I hated that tear. She really left her mark, and even now it still smarts. Is that her way of telling me she loves me, when it smarts like that?
Why did I feel I had to be strong for everyone at the funeral? Why did everyone think they had to be there next to me afterwards? When I didn't want them there, I just wanted my baby! And I felt no one understood that. People kept saying, "You'll have another," or "It was Gods Will."
Why would God take our child if he loved me so much?! I lost all faith in God that week, didn't feel anything towards him, but hatred for taking my child. I didn't regain faith till I was pregnant again with Haley's little sister. And I had to Humble myself in Prayer.
I wish I would have went to the hospital, when I felt something was wrong. Haley would be here right now, playing with her little sister!